Marigold (delilah_is) wrote,
Marigold
delilah_is

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i proved myself wrong

i had a rough day today. all the residents were really agitated. josette kept telling me she wanted to kill herself, and then she went around discussing the best way to do it w/the others. hildy was crying on and off all day. jackie kept looking for her sister and getting angry at me b/c i hadn't seen her(her sister has passed away) and sivia was hullucenating. Emily, our new resident, was having panic attacks all day. at breakfast she didn't eat b/c she was panicking. i wheeled her out of the room and took her to her room and helped her lay on the bed. she was breathing really rapidly so i tried to lead her in some breathing excersises to calm her down and slow her breathing but it wasn't working very well.i called the med manager to give emily a sedative but emily had just gotten her medicine and we just had to wait for it to take effect. emily didn't want me to leave her so i sat w/her till she started to drift off to sleep.@lunchtime i got her back up and brought her into the dining room, she seemed calm, but quickly began panicking again. sarah, my co-worker, brought emily back into her room and helped her into her arm chair. about 15 minutes later a physical therapist showed up to work w/emily. the therapist briefly left emily alone to get some paperwork and came back to find her unconscious. the therapist couldn't find a pulse so she came to get me. i went into emily's room w/her, called my manager and called 911.as per instructions from the person on the phone i layed emily flat on the floor and checked her breathing way for obstructions. she wasn't breathing and she had no pulse. then the lady on the phone told me to began administering CPR. i looked at emily's face w/the blue lips and froze. i was scared. i told the operator i wasn't sure if i could do it. my manager shannon told me we don't do CPR b/c most of our residents have a DNR order. the operator told me to began administering CPR anyway, she would talk me through it. still scared and becoming more so...i stammered about being unsure. then the operator asked me if i was refusing to give CPR. i understand she has to ask that but suddenly i felt like i was being asked if i was going to save emily's life or let her die. and i didn't know.luckily for all of us, the therapist came over w/a platic mask and started giving emily CPR through it. the paremedics came shortly after this but there was no saving emily, she was dead.

even though giving emily CPR wouldn't have saved her life i still feel guilty for my hesitation. i'd like to think that when it comes down to it i'll be there ready to do whatever needs to be done to help someone and i proved myself wrong. i only hope next time i'll be able to redeem myself. the good news though is that i kept it together for the other residents and my co-workers. i stayed calm so the other residents wouldn't know what was going on and i stayed happy for them while we hung out and did activities.
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